Learning to Let Go

As suggested by the title, this last semester (during which I have been dreadfully absent from the blogging world) has been trying to teach me to let go. I'll try to summarize a few of the incidents of last semester to help show this lesson.

Dating: (Had to start with a overused yet little understood topic like this.)
 I talk with my family every week on Sunday afternoon. Our discussions, varying by person, range from how good old Las Vegas is doing, my school and work load, adventures, and any signs of my dating life that they can squeeze out of me. During one such conversation with Dad, I expressed my concern that I am very busy with school and work, I have been attending BYU for nigh 3 years, and I had yet to actually date someone (something more than a few first and second dates). This common topic always raises concerns since, although you'd never know that about 50% or so graduates leave without a spouse, marriage and dating are heavily mentioned in almost all facets of BYU life. I was feeling like a failure.

After voicing my fears and feelings of inadequacy to my father, he put dispersed my fears by saying "Ogden, are you doing your best?" "Yes, Dad. I am doing the very best I can." "Then God will take care of you. Stop worrying and let it go. He's not going to deny you anything. He'll handle it - even if it is your dating life. He'll provide opportunities for everything to work out." That really put me at peace. I was definitely working as hard as I could to meet the demands of life. I really didn't see how I was going to have even the slightest dating life that semester, but I took my dad's advice and let my stress-inducing feelings go. I took faith and knew that everything would work out. 

It did. Winter semester was the best dating semester I've ever had. I was dating (never-exclusively - and don't pry because it's NOYB) an awesome girl. We went on several dates that semester and it was wonderful! My semester was still the busiest yet, with massive work loads and projects piling up (every saturday was spent in the Talmage building working on CS projects). Yet in-spite of all that, God took care of me.

Choices:

With the last semester of my junior year, the need to make life changing decisions slammed into my face, put me into an americana hold, and really tried to make me tap out. The main issue was figuring out what to do for after graduation. I really had two choices. Go for a master's degree or go into the career field. I thought, prayed, studied some more, all with no avail. I still had no clue what I should do. Once again the lesson came to me to "Let it go. I'm doing my best. It will be alright." So with that I've decided to apply for both. I'm going to apply for the masters program and I'm going to submit my resumes. When my actual choices are placed before me, I will make the choice. Right now, since there is no way of knowing my options (besides applying) I shouldn't worry about it. I should just keep moving forward doing my best.

So, as I have learned to let go of uncontrollable issues I have become better at feeling peace, being ready for the future, and letting God have more of an influence in the ratification of my decisions. As long as I'm doing my best (which I've always been doing) then God will handle the rest.

Annual Stresses and Other Observations

It’s been quite some time since my last post. With the start of school came the anticipated schedule changes, new work and academic loads, and the constant striving to maintain some form of balance and sanity. This led to having to learn how to cope with stress and taught me to rethink my priorities. Because of all this change, my goal to blog twice a month suffered, but now I’m back – and here is the story.

A few weeks into the semester I started to wonder “how am I going to get through all this?” I was becoming over stressed (close to the breaking point) with the pressures and expectations I place on myself. Despair started to set in. Something had to change.

The turning point came a few weeks ago in one of my most overloaded weeks yet. I had multiple projects to do, a load of assignments, and due dates were looming near. I was realizing that I don’t really know what field in Computer Science I really want to go into and the prospect of going to graduate school was becoming more of a reality. Basically, I was stressed, too stressed. I was almost to that level of stress where you’re about to go into the apathetic self-destruct mode, yeah, not a pretty sight.

In this moment I realized I must be doing something wrong. So with a simple sincere prayer, I was able to step back and see. I wasn't studying the scriptures daily, so my reception for heavenly help was being dampened. I wasn't using a schedule, so I was constantly busy but never accomplishing anything. I wasn't dividing my time properly, so things easily crept up on me, causing me to turn assignments and projects in late, fail in responsibilities, and interfere with social opportunities. I was beginning to realize the things that had to change.

 During this time, the Lord still blessed me with small tender mercies. A professor took time out of his lecture to discuss graduate school, another talked about time management and how he used certain techniques to maximize the results of his time. Some due dates were pushed back. Enlightening comments were made that helped with understanding projects. These all led me to make a change to the way I was dealing with life.

The Change:

I created a schedule (thank you Google Calendar for the tools and the semesters with Zach Panter for the inspiration) that showed exactly where my time should be going. I placed on it time to work on projects and which projects needed the most attention. I now have a certain time during the day set apart for studying scripture and I guarantee myself 3 workout sessions per week. No matter what - scripture study and working out WILL happen. My physical and mental well being depend on these. My stress level is never too high when these two things are present. Sure my work load still sets personal records, but so help me - my stress level WILL NOT.

The Results:

Since implementing my plan, my stress levels have been kept in check. I have accomplished my tasks on time. I have feel great. I am closer to The Lord. I somehow still have time. Now I just need to stick to my plan, make adjustments as needed, and get ready for the next lesson in life (hopefully it's one that includes a girlfriend... yeah...)

Misc:

I used the title "Annual Stresses" because after looking through my journal entries for last year and the year before - around the months of October, I realized that they all sounded the same "I have no clue how I'm going to get through this week..." In the past I just pushed through them. Hopefully with these changes I'll be better able to handle weeks like those, from now on out.

 

Here is a link relating to the time management concept my professor mentioned: http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/time-management-how-an-mit-postdoc-writes-3-books-a-phd-defense-and-6-peer-reviewed-papers-and-finishes-by-530pm/

Change: Ogden version 1.5.2

Story #1: 

     I was having a pretty deep conversation with a good friend of mine about several aspects of our single lives. Sadly these kinds of conversations don't happen too often, mostly because they're reserved for people who know me really well, for people who fall under the close friend range. These are the people I've spent the most time with and known the longest; the ones I feel understand me, my perspective, and the journey that got me to my current stage/position in life. The only people who know me better are family. (anyways, I digress. Back to the topic)

     During this conversation I started to come to a realization that I have changed. This particular friend and I met almost two years ago. I thought about how I would have addressed the topics of our discussion had it been when we first met. The conversation would have been completely different. So many experiences and thought provoking situations have occurred since then that influenced my thoughts and even characteristics into what they are today.

Story #2:

     A few days after said conversation, I was reading a note that a different friend had posted on facebook talking about their certain likes and opinions, many of which I didn't know about this friend (which goes to show that I'm definitely not in the close friend range, they aren't in mine either). I noticed that this particular note was published two years or so ago. Had the above conversation not happened, I would not have noted the date, but I did, and here are the thoughts that tumbled into my mind. How much of what was written in this note had changed? What was still applicable to this friend? Can I consider this the same person that I know today?


The Point: An Example of a Change and Why I Am Posting This
     
     Here's an example of change in myself. Two years ago (two years seems to be a common phrase in this post) I was taking English 150, the beginning college writing class. It was the first English class since high school (3 years before) and would require essays, the first essays written since graduation. The first paper was an opinion editorial where, if memory serves me correctly, we had to form an opinion and write a paper using different forms of rhetoric to persuade people to our side. The finished product was Pre-mi and Prejudice (I've uploaded it to skydrive so that you can read it if you would like.) I told my friends about it, posted it in facebook for extra credit, and it was a hit. This was the start off essay that helped spark my enjoyment of writing  (High school English never did that job). I loved crafting the words and styling the argument to make it as powerful as I could. I was satisfied with my paper and my position.

     Now, with two years more of experience, I can say that I do not agree with some of my arguments in that paper. I have changed, and so has my position. Now anyone who reads that paper today, not knowing me that well, would form in their mind a mental outline of my characteristics and personality, what I like and what I don't. Because of their outdated sources, there would be errors in their assessment.

   I need to keep this in mind when I'm trying to figure someone out. What they said yesterday might not be what they believe today. And not only might it not be what they believe today, but who is to say that I understood them in the first place. Do I know them well enough to even come close to understanding their thought process? Do I know the major events that have shaped their lives? Taking social media into consideration makes this even more important. Do I know the cause of their status? Do I know the full story? If they wrote that a few years, months, or even days ago, does it still apply?

    In the end, everyday we change a little, some days more than others. The Ogden two years ago is a lot alike to the current version, but there are key differences. Think of the Ogden two years ago as Ogden version 1.0, and the current release as Ogden 1.5.2 - A lot of him is the same, except for some very important updates and bug fixes (yes, that was a CS related analogy, roll your non-nerd eyes now). (If this is hard to get, think of the how windows 95 and windows 7 are both windows operating systems, just 7 is an improvement. Think of how facebook has changed over the last few years.) If that doesn't work,  then think of the person you were two years ago and compare. Yeah, I think you're getting the picture.

     Life is about progression - improvement. Sometimes the next version isn't the best (Vista cough cough) but hey, change is needed and improvement is required. So don't be surprised when Ogden 1.3.1 - the version you met a few months ago, has been updated with the latest and greatest 1.5.2. Because believe me, I'm always trying to make it better and better, more and more true to its potential. Who knows, maybe tomorrow or next week 1.5.2 will be upgraded.


*The version numbers do NOT have any meaning behind them, so please don't hurt yourself by trying to figure it out.
** The friends mentioned above are anonymous and I'm keeping it that way.

Life and Risks

Give up? Me? HA! I laugh at the thought!

Whether it is from the pinewood derby events from childhood, programming, or biking, the lesson is the same: giving up gets you nowhere! Although it might look real good at the time – giving up always leaves an aftertaste of regret.

So why give up? 

For me the answer lies in fear of failure. Think of “Man vs Fear” and how I basically gave up because I was afraid of failing.  I’ve noticed, however, that some failure doesn’t bother me, and most of the time I’ll keep on pushing hard even though failure seems imminent.

Most of these come in the form of competitions. If I’m in – I AM IN! Even if I’m in last place, I’ll do my best until I finish. I’m not afraid to push the envelope or step outside my comfort zone to win. Don’t get me wrong – I handle losing just fine. We’re well acquainted, but regardless of not winning, I still find satisfaction in knowing I did my absolute best. Now this applies well with competitions and games, but I find a problem when the game focuses in on the social arena.

Fears in the Social Arena:

Here is where I become paralyzed the most, where I feel anxiety as I think of/attempt to push past my comfort zone, and here is where I often quit before I even get started.  Having reflected on this, I believe I am scared of what people, who don’t know me, think of me. How debilitating! The people who matter the least cause the most stress! My friends know me well enough to have a good understanding of my character, values, likes, dislikes, strengths – who I really am, that I’m not concerned with what they might think of me if I act crazy or do something really random or spontaneous. My family and really close friends – even more so! Because they know who I really am, I am not concerned.

So now what?

Well the buck stops here!

I declare independence from my fear of the opinions of the masses! 

I will no longer let them have control over me 

(even if they happen to be awesome available women that I’m interested in)! 

NO MORE!

From now on I declare war on my small comfort zone, 

war on my debilitating and unnecessary reservations!  

 War on the fear that has been holding me back!

I know that victory won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing is EVER easy.
It will take time. I will fall, but more importantly, I will stand back up.
Giving up is not an option.
Giving up gets me nowhere.
I’m done with the aftertaste of regret.
Time to take chances, get messy, and make mistakes!
(Thank you Magic School Bus.)

Look out world because Ogden is out!

 Here is a video I found a few years ago that I really enjoy. It goes along with this theme. 

MYOB

So I wrote this a week or so ago after listening from a friend about how some drama unfolded. I was feeling the same way as this friend of mine, so I wrote down my thoughts - in a structured like way. I'll probably keep adjusting it and maybe one day turn it into lyrics or a poem of some kind. I'm posting this now because I have a goal of 2 posts per month, so it's time!
----------------------

Don’t call dibs on me!
Don’t claim me as your own.
Just because you like me does not
mean that I like you!

Don’t tell me who I should date.
You can suggest names but there are
No guarantees, no promises.
Just because she likes me, doesn’t
mean that I like her.

When you see me with another girl,
dating, smiling, and having fun,
Don’t call her a slut behind closed doors,
or tell lies back and forth.

Don’t complain, don’t compare
Don’t get mad, don’t attack.
Don’t spread crap about how she used me,
Blinded me, or wooed me.

She isn’t evil. She didn’t use me, 
She didn’t manipulate, she isn’t the trash you say.

Truth is – I chose her.
She didn’t win, you didn’t lose.
This isn’t high school, this is life.
Life isn’t fair. Get over it.

Don’t be mad at her, she didn’t do anything against you.
Jealousy doesn’t suit you. Green isn’t your color.
Don’t be mad at me, I’m not worth the negativity.
I’m not worth the pain your putting yourself through.