YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

"They wouldn't be a good match - she's too much for him"

"They would get along perfectly, I know it!"

"You really need to meet her, she's definitely your type!"

"Him, with her? Can't happen."

Bull. Crap.

I'm sick of people assuming they know someone well enough to make these calls. Their knowledge is so superficial it's laughable. They have only seen the person in a subdued setting under predictably boring circumstances. Character is never so easily revealed. These observers don't actually know the person they are referencing  Honestly, when we don't know ourselves well enough to make an accurate assertion, how could a minimally invested friend even attempt?

 One would think that after so many surprises like "They're together!? I didn't see that coming!" we would be a little more open minded about the possibilities around us. Just because a someone is quiet and seemingly agreeable does not mean they lack strength of character, or the skills necessary to enjoyably handle a "high caliber" date.

I think we would all be astounded to see the true natures of the people around us, because right now all we see is a carefully crafted cover, hiding its true contents from our passing glances. So instead of assuming so much, let's acknowledge that we don't actually know, but are open to finding out.

Modesty: It's Not About Men

This bitter meme suggests that modesty's purpose is to help keep men's minds in check. This assumption is as shallow as the feelings behind it. Would God give a commandment because He knows that He can't expect His other children to act like 'decent human beings'?

Is modesty to protect us innocent men from our "uncontrollable" urges to undress in our mind (and in person) partially dressed women? A desire which apparently increases exponentially with every square inch of skin being shown? (weight being placed on breasts, legs, back, shoulders, abdomen ... - provided that they're in mediocre condition).

God did not say in the beginning: "We can't expect men to control their thoughts, so let's make it easier for them - I need at least some of them to return to Me. Women - be modest." I'm sorry - that is not taught in any scripture or spoken by the Apostles. We, teaching this principle, are placing the importance of modesty on the effect it has on men. This priority is false, and this meme shows the illogical nature of modesty centered on protecting men.

So why is modesty important?
Let's try a definition found on lds.org: Modesty is an attitude of propriety and decency in dress, grooming, language, and behavior. If we are modest, we do not draw undue attention to ourselves. Instead, we seek to "glorify God in [our] body, and in [our] spirit"

Modesty's sole purpose is not to protect men, but is to reflect our commitment to God: to glorify Him, to help invite the companionship of the Spirit. Now admittedly, immodesty distracts men (and women alike), but that is their own problem. 

Let's not forget, men need to be modest just as much as women. We need to be modest in our language and behavior JUST AS MUCH as in our dress. 

I invite all of us to consider why we are modest and how we explain it.

Over and out.

Learning to Let Go

As suggested by the title, this last semester (during which I have been dreadfully absent from the blogging world) has been trying to teach me to let go. I'll try to summarize a few of the incidents of last semester to help show this lesson.

Dating: (Had to start with a overused yet little understood topic like this.)
 I talk with my family every week on Sunday afternoon. Our discussions, varying by person, range from how good old Las Vegas is doing, my school and work load, adventures, and any signs of my dating life that they can squeeze out of me. During one such conversation with Dad, I expressed my concern that I am very busy with school and work, I have been attending BYU for nigh 3 years, and I had yet to actually date someone (something more than a few first and second dates). This common topic always raises concerns since, although you'd never know that about 50% or so graduates leave without a spouse, marriage and dating are heavily mentioned in almost all facets of BYU life. I was feeling like a failure.

After voicing my fears and feelings of inadequacy to my father, he put dispersed my fears by saying "Ogden, are you doing your best?" "Yes, Dad. I am doing the very best I can." "Then God will take care of you. Stop worrying and let it go. He's not going to deny you anything. He'll handle it - even if it is your dating life. He'll provide opportunities for everything to work out." That really put me at peace. I was definitely working as hard as I could to meet the demands of life. I really didn't see how I was going to have even the slightest dating life that semester, but I took my dad's advice and let my stress-inducing feelings go. I took faith and knew that everything would work out. 

It did. Winter semester was the best dating semester I've ever had. I was dating (never-exclusively - and don't pry because it's NOYB) an awesome girl. We went on several dates that semester and it was wonderful! My semester was still the busiest yet, with massive work loads and projects piling up (every saturday was spent in the Talmage building working on CS projects). Yet in-spite of all that, God took care of me.

Choices:

With the last semester of my junior year, the need to make life changing decisions slammed into my face, put me into an americana hold, and really tried to make me tap out. The main issue was figuring out what to do for after graduation. I really had two choices. Go for a master's degree or go into the career field. I thought, prayed, studied some more, all with no avail. I still had no clue what I should do. Once again the lesson came to me to "Let it go. I'm doing my best. It will be alright." So with that I've decided to apply for both. I'm going to apply for the masters program and I'm going to submit my resumes. When my actual choices are placed before me, I will make the choice. Right now, since there is no way of knowing my options (besides applying) I shouldn't worry about it. I should just keep moving forward doing my best.

So, as I have learned to let go of uncontrollable issues I have become better at feeling peace, being ready for the future, and letting God have more of an influence in the ratification of my decisions. As long as I'm doing my best (which I've always been doing) then God will handle the rest.

Annual Stresses and Other Observations

It’s been quite some time since my last post. With the start of school came the anticipated schedule changes, new work and academic loads, and the constant striving to maintain some form of balance and sanity. This led to having to learn how to cope with stress and taught me to rethink my priorities. Because of all this change, my goal to blog twice a month suffered, but now I’m back – and here is the story.

A few weeks into the semester I started to wonder “how am I going to get through all this?” I was becoming over stressed (close to the breaking point) with the pressures and expectations I place on myself. Despair started to set in. Something had to change.

The turning point came a few weeks ago in one of my most overloaded weeks yet. I had multiple projects to do, a load of assignments, and due dates were looming near. I was realizing that I don’t really know what field in Computer Science I really want to go into and the prospect of going to graduate school was becoming more of a reality. Basically, I was stressed, too stressed. I was almost to that level of stress where you’re about to go into the apathetic self-destruct mode, yeah, not a pretty sight.

In this moment I realized I must be doing something wrong. So with a simple sincere prayer, I was able to step back and see. I wasn't studying the scriptures daily, so my reception for heavenly help was being dampened. I wasn't using a schedule, so I was constantly busy but never accomplishing anything. I wasn't dividing my time properly, so things easily crept up on me, causing me to turn assignments and projects in late, fail in responsibilities, and interfere with social opportunities. I was beginning to realize the things that had to change.

 During this time, the Lord still blessed me with small tender mercies. A professor took time out of his lecture to discuss graduate school, another talked about time management and how he used certain techniques to maximize the results of his time. Some due dates were pushed back. Enlightening comments were made that helped with understanding projects. These all led me to make a change to the way I was dealing with life.

The Change:

I created a schedule (thank you Google Calendar for the tools and the semesters with Zach Panter for the inspiration) that showed exactly where my time should be going. I placed on it time to work on projects and which projects needed the most attention. I now have a certain time during the day set apart for studying scripture and I guarantee myself 3 workout sessions per week. No matter what - scripture study and working out WILL happen. My physical and mental well being depend on these. My stress level is never too high when these two things are present. Sure my work load still sets personal records, but so help me - my stress level WILL NOT.

The Results:

Since implementing my plan, my stress levels have been kept in check. I have accomplished my tasks on time. I have feel great. I am closer to The Lord. I somehow still have time. Now I just need to stick to my plan, make adjustments as needed, and get ready for the next lesson in life (hopefully it's one that includes a girlfriend... yeah...)

Misc:

I used the title "Annual Stresses" because after looking through my journal entries for last year and the year before - around the months of October, I realized that they all sounded the same "I have no clue how I'm going to get through this week..." In the past I just pushed through them. Hopefully with these changes I'll be better able to handle weeks like those, from now on out.

 

Here is a link relating to the time management concept my professor mentioned: http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/time-management-how-an-mit-postdoc-writes-3-books-a-phd-defense-and-6-peer-reviewed-papers-and-finishes-by-530pm/

Love and The Lessons Learned

“Hey Ogden, you married yet?”


“You dating anyone?”


“It’s your turn Mills!”


“Did you hear what President Monson talked about? Doing anything about it?”


“Hey, I know the perfect girl for you”


Now before you get all excited, I want to clarify that this isn’t a rant. The people who pose these questions need not be offended; I appreciate their concern. This post is more of an explanation, or maybe a declaration. It could even be a comfort to those who seem to be stressing out about my relationship status [you know who you are]. Anyway, let’s proceed…

So, why am I not married (or, more pertinent perhaps, why still single)?

Honestly, I don’t really know. I go on lots of dates and I’m not skirting the issue. I would like to think that maybe Michael Buble’s coined phrase “I just haven’t met you yet” is applicable, but maybe I have met her. It’s possible.

But the last two years haven’t been without many lessons regarding this subject. Each girl I get to know helps to teach me about the girl I’m going to marry and, more often than not, about myself.

Lesson: Open Honest Communication

          Can I talk openly and honestly about anything and feel that the other is doing the same? Do I have to
     be cautious, wondering if my thoughts will be subjected to ridicule or dismissal? Can I trust this person
     with my secrets and yearnings? Do I feel that I have to play a part, or keep to a script?

          All the girls that I have really liked all had one thing in common: I felt like I connected to them. I could
     talk openly and honestly about anything, and just as important, there was balance. I could talk and so
     could she; there was sharing. Often I have been able to recognize this “trait” within minutes of meeting her.

Lesson: It’s got to go both ways

    Ok, I’ll be frank. Timing sucks! At least so far it has. I mean:

1. The girl has to like you too.
2. You have to suck up the courage to do something about it before it’s too late (Think of Man vs Fear)
3. She has to be available.
4. ...

          So what do you do when stuff doesn’t go your way? Keep kickin, learn from the mistakes, and rock
     on. Although I still have issues with #2, I’ve made a lot of improvements.

Lesson: Moral Strength. Period.

          If I want to have a relationship with someone who loves God, is obedient to Him, and does her best,
     then I need to be that way. I have to be striving to be what God wants me to be. If I expect/desire certain
     characteristics then I have to have those as well. All of this sounds pretty basic right? But implementing
     this is a whole different story. *Please note that I’m not talking about perfection, I’m talking about
     attitude, about dedication, about those small things God asks us to do.

And the lessons go on.

Now that you have read this, here are a few things I don’t need you to do:

• Analyze yourself (if you’re a girl) or anyone else to see if you/they would be a “perfect” match.
• Teach me a lesson or give me advice. I have plenty of sources already and I’ve probably heard it before. If I want it I’ll bring it up in an open and honest discussion.
• Leave some remark about an “opportunity” I passed up or an “option” I missed out on. I’m sure it has already been brought to my attention, either by myself or by others.

Feel free to:

• Think about the kind of person you are. How you can change.
• Laugh. Smile. Laugh.
• …

*All opinions herein may change over time and are subject to many interpretations and viewpoints. Remember: I’m a person. I change. 

** Please don't feel that this changes an aspect of a friendship that we may have. If you are use to asking and discussing my dating life with me [once again, you know who you are] please note that nothing has changed. (Felt that I should put this since a friend already asked.) 

The Right Way to be Right

“Actually Ogden, that’s not how it is”

As soon as the contradiction begins I can feel my body tense up in defense as my mind whirls for fallacies in my enemy’s offensive maneuver. Me wrong? About this? HA! No. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve read about this. I’ve had classes. I know.

“I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure I know how it works.”

Believe me. I know what I’m talking about. I’m right. You’re wrong.

“I heard that it actually goes like this…”

You heard? HA, pathetic! Let me help guide you back to the path of reality. See, I actually have looked into this. Your second-hand sources are meaningless to me. I will slay them and you will grovel at my feet!

“Well… Where do I start...”

And the “discussion”  (battle of prides) goes on. Who is right in the end? It doesn’t even matter. I was doomed to fail from the start. "Why?" you may ask. Because...

My motives were flawed from the start.

What was the purpose here? I wanted to prove that I was right, that I was a force to be reckoned with. I did not care about helping my friend out. I cared only about being right, and about him being wrong. Sadly, no good can come from such a motive. I only wanted to feed my pride by sucking his dry. For this disagreement to produce something worthwhile several things must change. 

#1: I need to be more worried about fostering an atmosphere where the Holy Ghost can teach both of us what is right. On my current path I am definitely not doing that, and therefore this conversation will not result in edification or enlightenment. It will just result in a figurative head ache as we act like rams slamming into each other in a barbaric test of dominance, while the Holy Ghost leaves to avoid witnessing such immaturity.  

Remember: I’m should strive to support the Holy Ghost, NOT be the Holy Ghost.

#2: I need to actually want to learn. In this discussion I am so set in my ways that I am not trying to help us both come to truth. I am actually trying to drag him into my fountain of all knowing wisdom. Why even discuss these things if neither person is open to understanding? Am I so blind by my sure footing of being right that perhaps I cannot see a better way? Moreover, if I am right, am I actually trying to help that person see differently or am I just trying to prove dominance over them? And if, heaven forbid, I am wrong… will I be able to recognize it if I am totally narrowing in on the fact that I am right? 

Remember: I am not the Source of Truth.

So next time I start to correct someone, I need to first take into account my motives. Why am I doing this? Is this going to result in us both drawing closer to truth, or am I so focused on being right and am already heavily biased toward my opinion that I am confined to my little box of knowledge?

Self-Esteem and Losing Yourself

“Today I’m on top of the world! Nothing can stand in my way! I got this! I can do anything! I feel great! I look great! Let’s do this! …”

“I feel so ugly. It’s a wonder why people even smile at me in passing. Life sucks. No one likes me, wants to be with me, or even cares. Why can’t I be attractive like that person over there? Why can’t I be more caring like them? Why am I never good enough!? …”

“Oh yeah! Check me out! I feel good nana nana nana na!”

“I just want to cry…”

“I love life!”

… and the circle continues…

Have you ever felt like that? Maybe even all in one day? Isn’t it crazy? I have gone from feeling way optimistic about life to being down in the dumps all within the matter of a few hours, sometimes even less. This became extremely apparent while I was serving a mission in Russia. Holy Cow! I’d wake up ready to rock, by dinner I’d be so downtrodden that the only reason I went back out was because my companion and I needed to, and by the time I got back the world was once again a bright place (and yes, doors were slammed the entire night, but that didn’t matter).

I remember recognizing that pattern while going over a few journal entries and recording “Emotions cannot be trusted! … I was feeling down. Went out. Feel great now. … emotions don’t seem to be stable enough to use as a judge for decisions” ( Monday November 3, 2008). Of course, that entry is a bit drastic in its conclusion.

So what was going on? And how could I fix this? What did I need to do to keep myself feeling better more regularly, experience less rapid emotional change, and strengthen my self-esteem so that it wasn’t so varying?

Self-Esteem: The judgments we make about our own worth and the feelings associated with those judgments

It’s those harsh judgments and feelings that keep getting me down. I’ve been wondering what I can do about it but for a while I didn’t really know. The answer was in front of me the whole time. 

Matthew 16:25 - For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

My Human Development Professor used this scripture in reference to self-esteem. As I stop constantly thinking about myself and my self-image and instead focus on helping others and becoming more charitable I will be more confident, my self-esteem more stable, and in the end I’ll be more Christ-like – which is the end goal. A key to happiness is to look outward and lose yourself in Christ. That brings the Spirit and that brings peace. 

And it is peace that we all desire, right?

Anyway, this has been on my mind since that lecture and I wanted to share some of the thoughts that came of it.

Have a great week!

Sacrifice, Self-Control, and Time Wasted

Subconsciously my hand drifts toward the keyboard, searching for the link. 

Automatically, upon opening a browser, my pointer shoots straight for the bookmarked page. 

Mind numbingly the refresh button is hit, not really expecting to find anything new…

Every few minutes that same tab is brought back up, but nothing has changed. 

The last page looked at is the first page opened, regardless of the original reason to open the browser.

All the while, I remain oblivious to what is going… hold up – I need to check Facebook – ok, where was I? oh yes, …oblivious to what is going on.

A few months ago I had a hard time understanding why some people felt a need for “a Facebook fast” or why a few acquaintances were quitting Facebook for a time, claiming it was consuming their time. I mean come on! What? You can’t control yourself? Is Facebook taking over? PATHETIC! (Gimme a sec, I need to check Facebook, maybe someone posted something) ok, where was I? Oh yea, PATHETIC!

But that has all changed.

You can say it all started with my roommate Zach, who regularly goes through phases of simplifying his life, such as leaving Facebook, consolidating his communication methods, and meticulously recording daily activities – looking for that spare second to help get the actual important stuff done.

During one of these phases, I was thinking about stuff that takes up my time, but I couldn’t come up with anything! Then one day at work I woke up. Seriously. I caught myself in the act described at the beginning of this post, though this time I was no longer oblivious. I watched my hand sneak toward my laptop, I caught my eyes lifelessly staring at the screen, glancing over status updates that had nothing to do with me. So I pulled everything back and focused again on the task at hand. And then I caught myself facebooking again, and again, and again…

Something had to be done.

So I do a few things native to a computer geek, and ta-da! Facebook pulls up a blank screen. I delete the bookmark and I get back to work. Suddenly I become aware of all the times I was trying to look at Facebook, since it no longer worked. I was so shocked that I laughed because I was unaware of how often I was wasting my time.

I now allow myself access to Facebook only once or twice a day. Having cut Facebook usage down by over 90% you might wonder what has come of it. I’ll tell you what: more guitar playing, more time spent on homework, better journal entries, more consistent morning scripture study, better focus at work, and the list goes on…

So why am I posting this?

Well since Facebook was a distraction, and I was obliviously losing self-control to it, then I wonder what else is keeping me from the real important things in life. What else needs to be sacrificed to gain back self-control and time wasted? Imagine, the more non-important things I get rid of the more time I have to spend on things I truly care about! Priorities priorities…

So I invite you to look back over your day or week and work on finding things you could cut out to get down to the important stuff. It might be hard. You might resist. You might deny that anything could be done differently. But if you take a step back, and maybe even pull a Zach and record meticulously your daily activities, you might find the lost time you’ve been seeking. 

By the way, on the day I lowered my Facebook usage, my other roommate, Andrew, uninstalled his video games for the same reason. He needed time. We think Zach is contagious. I’m grateful.

- and yes I realize the irony from the fact that you probably knew about this post because of facebook

Good luck!