Love and The Lessons Learned

“Hey Ogden, you married yet?”


“You dating anyone?”


“It’s your turn Mills!”


“Did you hear what President Monson talked about? Doing anything about it?”


“Hey, I know the perfect girl for you”


Now before you get all excited, I want to clarify that this isn’t a rant. The people who pose these questions need not be offended; I appreciate their concern. This post is more of an explanation, or maybe a declaration. It could even be a comfort to those who seem to be stressing out about my relationship status [you know who you are]. Anyway, let’s proceed…

So, why am I not married (or, more pertinent perhaps, why still single)?

Honestly, I don’t really know. I go on lots of dates and I’m not skirting the issue. I would like to think that maybe Michael Buble’s coined phrase “I just haven’t met you yet” is applicable, but maybe I have met her. It’s possible.

But the last two years haven’t been without many lessons regarding this subject. Each girl I get to know helps to teach me about the girl I’m going to marry and, more often than not, about myself.

Lesson: Open Honest Communication

          Can I talk openly and honestly about anything and feel that the other is doing the same? Do I have to
     be cautious, wondering if my thoughts will be subjected to ridicule or dismissal? Can I trust this person
     with my secrets and yearnings? Do I feel that I have to play a part, or keep to a script?

          All the girls that I have really liked all had one thing in common: I felt like I connected to them. I could
     talk openly and honestly about anything, and just as important, there was balance. I could talk and so
     could she; there was sharing. Often I have been able to recognize this “trait” within minutes of meeting her.

Lesson: It’s got to go both ways

    Ok, I’ll be frank. Timing sucks! At least so far it has. I mean:

1. The girl has to like you too.
2. You have to suck up the courage to do something about it before it’s too late (Think of Man vs Fear)
3. She has to be available.
4. ...

          So what do you do when stuff doesn’t go your way? Keep kickin, learn from the mistakes, and rock
     on. Although I still have issues with #2, I’ve made a lot of improvements.

Lesson: Moral Strength. Period.

          If I want to have a relationship with someone who loves God, is obedient to Him, and does her best,
     then I need to be that way. I have to be striving to be what God wants me to be. If I expect/desire certain
     characteristics then I have to have those as well. All of this sounds pretty basic right? But implementing
     this is a whole different story. *Please note that I’m not talking about perfection, I’m talking about
     attitude, about dedication, about those small things God asks us to do.

And the lessons go on.

Now that you have read this, here are a few things I don’t need you to do:

• Analyze yourself (if you’re a girl) or anyone else to see if you/they would be a “perfect” match.
• Teach me a lesson or give me advice. I have plenty of sources already and I’ve probably heard it before. If I want it I’ll bring it up in an open and honest discussion.
• Leave some remark about an “opportunity” I passed up or an “option” I missed out on. I’m sure it has already been brought to my attention, either by myself or by others.

Feel free to:

• Think about the kind of person you are. How you can change.
• Laugh. Smile. Laugh.
• …

*All opinions herein may change over time and are subject to many interpretations and viewpoints. Remember: I’m a person. I change. 

** Please don't feel that this changes an aspect of a friendship that we may have. If you are use to asking and discussing my dating life with me [once again, you know who you are] please note that nothing has changed. (Felt that I should put this since a friend already asked.) 

Define Stalking...

Stalking: to pursue obsessively and to the point of harassment.

Since the advent of Facebook, the usage of the term “stalking” has risen dramatically, and accompanied with that comes a load of new connotations. Think about it.  I know that in high school the word was reserved for guys creeping my lady friends out by following them, making harassing comments, and other rightfully condemned behaviors. Today, by running into a girl twice or so in one day, a good-natured guy can be called “stalker”. Bring in Facebook and you have a whole new world to apply this label to. I mean - heaven forbid that you mention a status update of an acquaintance, for although it appeared on your newsfeed, you’re a Facebook stalker.

 Now before you all start shouting “sexist!” let me also say that guys over generalize this word as well. A girl sits near you, comments on your Facebook, and strikes conversations with you often – then obviously she’s either stalking you or she is going to be a potential next girlfriend. 

I’ve heard a phrase, “What’s the difference between your boyfriend and your stalker? You like your boyfriend.” Well, I hope by definition that your significant other isn’t “pursuing [you] obsessively and to the point of harassment” because that is just wrong. (I’m pretty sure that kind of behavior is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Just saying)

I guess I’m just tired of “crushing on someone” = “stalking”, and “browsing extremely public information” = “stalking”, “having a good memory regarding conversations with that person” = “stalking”,  …need I go on? Honestly I haven’t met that many stalkers and honestly “stalking” is (at least in my book) pretty far from a term of endearment. And let’s get real, if you were attracted to the person you probably would be flattered and excited, instead of handing out the stalker sign. 

FYI: No one has called me a stalker. This post was prompted as I recalled multiple conversations and debates that I’ve had with roommates and friends. To make sure I’m not a hypocrite, feel free to “Facebook stalk” me as much as you want. I put the info up there, I set the privacy settings, so if you make it through without having to circumvent any system or “pursue obsessively” then heck, have fun.

The Right Way to be Right

“Actually Ogden, that’s not how it is”

As soon as the contradiction begins I can feel my body tense up in defense as my mind whirls for fallacies in my enemy’s offensive maneuver. Me wrong? About this? HA! No. I know what I’m talking about. I’ve read about this. I’ve had classes. I know.

“I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure I know how it works.”

Believe me. I know what I’m talking about. I’m right. You’re wrong.

“I heard that it actually goes like this…”

You heard? HA, pathetic! Let me help guide you back to the path of reality. See, I actually have looked into this. Your second-hand sources are meaningless to me. I will slay them and you will grovel at my feet!

“Well… Where do I start...”

And the “discussion”  (battle of prides) goes on. Who is right in the end? It doesn’t even matter. I was doomed to fail from the start. "Why?" you may ask. Because...

My motives were flawed from the start.

What was the purpose here? I wanted to prove that I was right, that I was a force to be reckoned with. I did not care about helping my friend out. I cared only about being right, and about him being wrong. Sadly, no good can come from such a motive. I only wanted to feed my pride by sucking his dry. For this disagreement to produce something worthwhile several things must change. 

#1: I need to be more worried about fostering an atmosphere where the Holy Ghost can teach both of us what is right. On my current path I am definitely not doing that, and therefore this conversation will not result in edification or enlightenment. It will just result in a figurative head ache as we act like rams slamming into each other in a barbaric test of dominance, while the Holy Ghost leaves to avoid witnessing such immaturity.  

Remember: I’m should strive to support the Holy Ghost, NOT be the Holy Ghost.

#2: I need to actually want to learn. In this discussion I am so set in my ways that I am not trying to help us both come to truth. I am actually trying to drag him into my fountain of all knowing wisdom. Why even discuss these things if neither person is open to understanding? Am I so blind by my sure footing of being right that perhaps I cannot see a better way? Moreover, if I am right, am I actually trying to help that person see differently or am I just trying to prove dominance over them? And if, heaven forbid, I am wrong… will I be able to recognize it if I am totally narrowing in on the fact that I am right? 

Remember: I am not the Source of Truth.

So next time I start to correct someone, I need to first take into account my motives. Why am I doing this? Is this going to result in us both drawing closer to truth, or am I so focused on being right and am already heavily biased toward my opinion that I am confined to my little box of knowledge?

Good Timber - Hard Life

Good Timber
By Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.
 

Self-Esteem and Losing Yourself

“Today I’m on top of the world! Nothing can stand in my way! I got this! I can do anything! I feel great! I look great! Let’s do this! …”

“I feel so ugly. It’s a wonder why people even smile at me in passing. Life sucks. No one likes me, wants to be with me, or even cares. Why can’t I be attractive like that person over there? Why can’t I be more caring like them? Why am I never good enough!? …”

“Oh yeah! Check me out! I feel good nana nana nana na!”

“I just want to cry…”

“I love life!”

… and the circle continues…

Have you ever felt like that? Maybe even all in one day? Isn’t it crazy? I have gone from feeling way optimistic about life to being down in the dumps all within the matter of a few hours, sometimes even less. This became extremely apparent while I was serving a mission in Russia. Holy Cow! I’d wake up ready to rock, by dinner I’d be so downtrodden that the only reason I went back out was because my companion and I needed to, and by the time I got back the world was once again a bright place (and yes, doors were slammed the entire night, but that didn’t matter).

I remember recognizing that pattern while going over a few journal entries and recording “Emotions cannot be trusted! … I was feeling down. Went out. Feel great now. … emotions don’t seem to be stable enough to use as a judge for decisions” ( Monday November 3, 2008). Of course, that entry is a bit drastic in its conclusion.

So what was going on? And how could I fix this? What did I need to do to keep myself feeling better more regularly, experience less rapid emotional change, and strengthen my self-esteem so that it wasn’t so varying?

Self-Esteem: The judgments we make about our own worth and the feelings associated with those judgments

It’s those harsh judgments and feelings that keep getting me down. I’ve been wondering what I can do about it but for a while I didn’t really know. The answer was in front of me the whole time. 

Matthew 16:25 - For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

My Human Development Professor used this scripture in reference to self-esteem. As I stop constantly thinking about myself and my self-image and instead focus on helping others and becoming more charitable I will be more confident, my self-esteem more stable, and in the end I’ll be more Christ-like – which is the end goal. A key to happiness is to look outward and lose yourself in Christ. That brings the Spirit and that brings peace. 

And it is peace that we all desire, right?

Anyway, this has been on my mind since that lecture and I wanted to share some of the thoughts that came of it.

Have a great week!